Wicked

I have absolutely nothing good to report. Absolutely nothing. R and I have had the worst week--more so R than myself...but there were 2 days he was gone and I was unable to talk to him. Two days that my only way to talk to him was through messages relayed by a lawyer. I had no idea how long 48 hours could really be.

I can't stop wondering if it would've happened if he weren't black, and I do NOT think it would have. A part of my innocence is gone. I'm finally learning what its like to be black, I guess.

Now we are on the other side, but we don't have our life back. We won't have our life back for a while.

Cryptic, but its all I can say in a public post.

Add to that MIDTERMS are this week and I am drowning in a slew of heavy assignments, readings, and study groups in addition to my apparent understanding that every paper I produce needs to be of publishing quality. It does not. But I have a really hard time convincing myself that isn't true.

I am stressed out to the max, basically.

But I'm fairly confident that this will only make us stronger (albeit jaded) individuals and a stronger couple.

It just really sucks that this had to happen and that it's part of his story now. Of my story. That really sucks.

Holidaze

Hot damn!
Christmas happened again!

I only bought a few presents and none of my recipients were at the holiday gatherings (including my MOTHER :[ ) and I'm pretty bummed I didn't get to do the whole "Do you like it?!" scenario because OF COURSE THEY DO and it feels good. But whatever. Woman's gotta get her gift sometime!

Ralph came to Christmas Eve on my dad's side last year but missed my mom's and they have been asking about him literally since our first date on Christmas two years ago (I guess that makes this our anniversary of sorts?), but he gets paid THRICE on holidays and it's really hard for him to turn that up. But this year I made him and it was so. good. Honestly, it's like he's always been a part of the family. That feeling makes me really warm and cozy inside. We are thinking that next year we might do Christmas with his mom in D.C.

A few of my favorites from x-mas dinner with both sides of my family:

 Like this picture of us. I look so much like my mom/grandma in this, its almost frightening.

 My uncle Darryl and my cousin, Darrylantè (don't get me started). This kid had Ralph and I grinning like idiots trying to suppress our desire to procreate. He is so. cute.

 Ralph and my dad playing cards together. Warms my little heart.

My dad and my older brother.

 This one just made me particularly happy and this is essentially what holidays look like with my family, except everyone behind me in this photo is dancing and laughing as well. I love, love, love my family. These are my cousins, Ashley and D.J.

 My big brother Jumokè and I! He moved to Atlanta a year ago and this was my first time seeing him since!

2/3 of my brothers.

And with my mom's side:

My cousins, Charly and Zawdie. The beginning of an installment titled: My Attractive Family.

My grandma and I! Just can't get over her face in this one. She didn't realize my camera was so big.

My awesome grandpa in his LEGENDARY STORYTELLING MODE.

Installment two of My Attractive Family. My cousin Robert. He is a professional basketball player for a team in Bolivia. Crazy right?!

Cousin Charly, Aunt Dee, and me. I've always appreciated that I can look them directly in the eye without tilting my head. Littles 4evr! Charly is currently getting her Masters in Mathematics crap at Wake Forest. Pretty cool.

My newest cousin! I don't even know her name. That new. My aunts were so excited about Ralph that they shoved this baby in my arms and started getting all glassy eyed and gooey and taking pictures. Couldn't be more subtle.

Final installment of My Attractive Family. My cousin Otieno. Totally single (& he sings!)

TINY ROBERT (father being the aforepictured of b-ball infamy). THIS IS THE CUTEST KID IN THE UNIVERSE.

I just really love my family. I really do. I appreciate them more and more as I get older and understand (say it again!) more and more what it really is to be, have and know your family.

I have to be awake in 5.5 hours and I want to DIE thinking about my alarm clock going off at 4:11am. Hey! Its an important 11 minutes.

On sense and sensibility

I'm going through a personal revolution right now. A REVOLUTION. Firstly, if theres anything I've learned about growing up thus far, it's that growth will happen if you let it and it will happen in its own time. I've gone through so much in the past two years--these years are just so huge for personal development and habit making and breaking. I think they may set the tone for the rest of my twenties and I want to be aware of progress...and lack thereof.

Anyway, I am learning that buying multiples of something you use often will save you trips to the store.
-That auto-bill pay saves a lot on anxiety--It's there for a reason.
-"It won't be any more pleasant later" gets chores done before they would be otherwise.
-You don't need to respond when your boyfriend is stressed out from moving/finishing a -degree/emotionally wearing job and looks for 1000 reasons to be upset. Let him get it out, don't take it personally, continue whatever task is at hand. Responding will probably lead to a completely useless argument.
-Making unpleasant phone calls to Whatever Company is part of life. JUST GOTTA MAKE EM (This advice 4 years ago could have saved me a lot of money, man).
[We have had an unfortunate incident with a broken radiator in our living room. After several phone calls, we got an electrician to finally come and fix it but when he fixed it, we couldn't turn it off! Even on low our apartment felt like a sauna. And we couldn't turn it off. Just couldn't. SO FRUSTRATING. And we live on the loudest, busiest, street in the world and with the windows open everything just sucked. Sucked. More phone calls were made, and we now have a radiator that turns off. No one said it would be easy.]

Probably 3/4 of anyone who ever reads this is thinking DUH but imagine trying to live your life without knowing these things! What a pain! Why don't parents teach you any of these things? Or school? Maybe we are supposed to learn by synthesis and I wasn't paying attention.

Either way, it has finally clicked for me that laziness and procrastination are not effective and that shit just has to get done--one way or another. This does not mean that I will procrastinate any less. But I've definitely learned that getting ____ done means I don't have to spend any time feeling guilty about what I SHOULD be doing as opposed to what I AM doing, which means my time has gotten so much sweeter.

The rest of my night will be devoted to Breaking Bad and this bomb ass salad I'm about to make. Hold the side of guilt, please!